So there have been a lot of conversations about this lately, but every time I've discussed the topic with one of my female friends I've found that she harbors a few important misconceptions about what men mean when we talk about being Friendzoned. The Friendzone is a concept that doesn't translate well from guy-speak, so this blog post aims to address what I feel are the three most common misunderstandings.
Note that this list does not, and was never intended to, address the validity of your perceptions. No one is contradicting your feelings, only your assumptions. I also recognize that this general explanation doesn't cover everyone, and again it was never intended to. This is Friendzone 101; the advanced course is for people who feel they already have the basics down.
Feedback from both men and women is appreciated. Tell me what you think I got right, and tell me what you think I got wrong.
Misconception #1. He isn't blaming you. If anything he's acknowledging that he can't control your decisions, but in the end this isn't about you at all. I know it feels like this is about you, but it isn't. It's about him. This might be hard to accept, but that's the simple reality of the situation. Yes, I know you've seen the phrase "That bitch Friendzoned me!" all over the place, but you know what? The majority of those are written by women who don't realize they're accidentally perpetuating a Strawman. (On the off chance you aren't familiar with the term, look it up, because it's pretty useful to know.) So I repeat: the Friendzone is not about you. It's about him. He is not blaming you.
He is blaming himself. He's blaming himself because a Real Man™ wouldn't be in this position; a Real Man™ takes what he wants, and a Real Man™ can get any woman he wants. And he knows that this is bullshit. He knows that the Real Man™ is his patriarchal programming telling him that a woman is just buried treasure, and that if he follows all the directions on the map then a smart, beautiful, wonderful woman will jump into his arms ready to live happily ever after. He can't articulate this as well as you can, but he still knows it.
So now he's blaming himself for blaming himself, because he knows that this isn't how the world works; and even though he's miserable, he doesn't think his feelings are valid or even acceptable. He's been taught since childhood that his emotions are a sign of weakness, and now he's blaming himself for being weak. He isn't sure why this makes him weak, but he feels certain that he must be. The other thing he feels certain of is that a woman who he cares about and whose opinion he values doesn't think he's good enough, and he doesn't know why.
Which brings us to...
Misconception #2. He was not being nice because he wanted something in return. He was--and still is--actually nice. Most of the time, he honestly wanted to cultivate a friendship with you before pursuing a relationship. He also (rightly) felt like "Hey, I thought maybe we could be friends for a few months and then I'd self-consciously suggest that I was interested in something more" would be a monstrously creepy icebreaker.
Your friendship was never a consolation prize or a stepping stone to the relationship he "really" wanted with you. He wanted both. And what's more, he thought you wanted that also: a relationship with somebody that's also your best friend. He thought that was you, and now he knows better. So maybe consider biting that first reflexive barb and cut the dude a little slack, because that's a cold slap in the face no matter what sex you are.
He was never pretending to be nice. He was actually nice. He just didn't understand that there's more to it than that. So when he blurts out, "but I'm a nice guy," he isn't trying to argue with you, and he isn't trying to change your mind. He's trying to understand, and he's horribly frustrated because a minute ago he thought he had it figured out.
The truth is that he has no idea what women find attractive beyond "nice." He doesn't have your wealth of experience living in a world that caters to the opposite sex. The only thing he knows about what you find attractive is what you tell him; and most women don't seem to give their guy friends much information in that area. You didn't tell him that you're interested in guys who play European football and speak fluent Italian. You didn't tell him you're looking for a man who will stay up all night watching horror movies with you. You didn't tell him that you're attracted to guys who can make quiche and drink tea instead of coffee.
You told him that you want a guy who's "nice." And he was nice.
So he thought he met all of the qualifications, and now he feels not only hurt, but misled. You didn't mislead him, and he knows that, but he still feels misled. So now he feels stupid for letting himself be misled, and even more stupid for not realizing that there was more to it than being "nice." And this was his fault for not asking...but that's not what he needs to hear right now; he feels bad enough about himself already. And the last thing he needs is for you to start berating him for pretending to be nice in exchange for--you already did that, didn't you? Well fuck. I told you not 5 minutes ago that this isn't about you. You're allowed to feel like you're being blamed, and you're allowed to feel manipulated. But you're not allowed to take it out on somebody who already feels worthless. For the last time: the Friendzone isn't about you; it's about him.
Finally, Misconception #3. Perhaps most important of all: at its core, the Friendzone is a joke. 90% of all male references to the Friendzone are--at least partially--tongue-in-cheek. Unfortunately, the Friendzone is a joke that always hits too close to home. The Friendzone is a joke that is not funny. It's a joke that we know is not funny, but we tell it anyway...because whether it's funny isn't the point.
When a woman's heart is broken, she has options regarding how she wants to deal with that pain. She can cry, she can get a makeover, she can buy herself flowers, she can invite her friends over for a therapeutic self-pity session, or in extreme cases she can weep into a bowl of ice cream while watching The Notebook in her pajamas. Some women do some of these things. Some women do none of these things. Some women do all of these things simultaneously, which frankly weirds me out because of the superhuman coordination that would be involved in...veering off topic. Sorry about that.
Men don't have these options; societal norms and gender-related expectations have taken them away. So when a man's heart is broken he's left with only one method for dealing with that pain: the only way he's been allowed to deal with pain since childhood.
Walk it off.
And that's hard. Like really hard. But as is so often the case, laughter tends to be the best medicine. Even forced, half-hearted laughter. Even weak, self-depreciating laughter. Even a feeble chuckle while the tears of pain and humiliation are running down his cheeks makes it the tiniest bit easier for him to walk it off.
That's where the Friendzone comes in; the joke that isn't funny. Because the only way he knows how to deal with his pain is to pretend it doesn't hurt...until one day it actually doesn't hurt. So he pretends the joke is funny and he laughs just a little, because laughing is more acceptable than crying. Crying validates what he's feeling and makes it real, and that isn't what he wants. He wants to minimize his emotions until they are so unimportant that he doesn't hurt anymore, because that's what walking it off is all about. But to walk it off, he has to start walking...and that's what the Friendzone is for.
Because the Friendzone isn't a place; the Friendzone is a symbol. It's a symbol of realization: of that moment when he recognizes that you are never ever getting
So we raise a glass to our brother in the Friendzone. We do it because that's the only gesture society allows us to make. We do it because the Friendzone is the culminating testament to how badly society fucks men up inside: with this gesture, we momentarily come together as a symbolic support group for people that aren't allowed to have support groups. We do it because we know what he's feeling, even though he can't tell us; we've all been there before. And most of all, we do it because that gesture--hollow and tongue-in-cheek though it may be--makes it the tiniest bit easier for him to walk it off.
2 comments:
Good Article, however, it's important bringing up one thing: ATTRACTION. If she is attracted to you, regardless of whether your friends or not, she will be open to a relationship. If she is not attracted to you then there is nothing that can be done to make it work, and the friendzone is the simplest and gentlest way for a girl to prevent that from happening. That simple.
So the only questions that remain are: 1) How can I attract someone I like? 2) How do I know if they are attracted to me?
1) Your thinking about this the wrong way. You as a man do not exist to make others feel happy - you exist to be yourself and do what you want to do. Move through life grounded, driven, passionate, and free, dont supplicate your good intentions. Everything else is irrelevant and you are thinking too hard. If the people you like arent into you for who you are, fuck them, move along. Life gives us all unlimited chances with unlimited people.
2)Doesn't matter. If you like them, make a move. Of course, be tactical about it. But remember, yourself first.
Thanks, and that's an EXCELLENT point you raise: it's the next logical step after I point out that being "Nice" by itself doesn't make you attractive, and it certainly doesn't guarantee that anyone will find you attractive.
What I think people (and perhaps women in particular) sometimes forget is not only that men aren't usually patient creatures, but that we are programmed to be results-driven rather than process-driven. So if "being myself" hasn't attracted anybody in the last 20 minutes, our first impulse can sometimes be to feel like it obviously doesn't work and I should try something else! :P
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